You can tell a lot about person by the things they like to watch. With the right kind of eyes a Netflix queue will tell you everything you want to know about them. Disclosure your queue should be a prerequisite for dealing with someone, like knowing if they have a nut allergy or are diabetic. If your “continue watching” category is filled only with Hannah Montana episodes and Slasher films, I want to know so when the lights go out in the office during a power surge, I know to keep the hell away from you and the public kitchen cutlery.
Below is a list of genres and the kind of people they draw.
You only watch feel good movies like Twins and Baby’s Day Out because your only looking for substance free laughs. You choose your movies carefully because you must avoid any meaningful interaction or emotional involvement with the story because you’ve suppressed you emotions so long that if you let even one through, they will all come rushing out in a god awful mess of tears and that weird kind of moaning that sounds like yodeling.
Gay & Lesbian
You are either gay and looking for something that intentionally speaks to your under-served audience or your a straight guy trying to find porn on the Netflix app on your parents TV. Either way, you usually go to bed disappointed because there is not enough solid stories out there to keep you happy and if your the latter there just aren’t enough
shirtless passionate lesbian embraces to qualify as useful material.
Children & Family Movies
If you have movies like 101 Dalmatians and Mulan II in your “continue watching” section, you either have children or your desperately trying to cling to the innocence of youth by bathing yourself in the clear waters of yesteryear in an attempt to wash away the of the horrors of maturity. I guess if you see enough anthropomorphized cats, dogs and mice, you might be just a little bit cleaner. Keep scrubbing you will get clean. Trust me, we can smell our own.
Shows with a Strong Female Lead
Your either that magical, wonderful breed of strong independent woman watching someone like yourself or your a fellow insomniac who knows that the commercial breaks on Charmed are perfectly timed for your
jerk off viewing sessions to last the full 42 minute run time. If your the babe, your probably watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer while doing sit-ups on your homework break. If your the other guy, well then your probably knee deep in season 6 of Xena frame-by-framing “Heart of Darkness”.
You have a complicated relationship with your father and you fill the void of his missing love with the senseless horror of blood spatter of Hellraiser and Evil Dead. Your black hoodie keeps you warm as you spend night after chilling night to the soundtrack of violence and violins. You get lucky enough to occasionally bring home a companion but there is much too much sobbing to really call what you guys did together making love.
You have a large collection of rare, mostly black, movie themed t-shirts that are just a little too small for the 15 extra pounds your carrying around but you still look good in them. You know who Lloyd Kaufman is and can perfectly recite every classic line of Starship Troopers. Your cinematic adventures are usually solo, if you don’t count the 12 inch ninja turtles figures on your nightstand and every once in a blue moon you have an attractive someone over and you both watch and quote every line of “Pee-wee’s big adventure” together and you think you’ve finally found someone your comfortable with, someone your attracted to and when you lean in to kiss them in that perfect moment after hours of laughing you find out they’re gay and after a long talk about not meaning to lead you on, you make out anyway and its awesome.
Your perfectly comfortable with the fact that you find a drawing of a woman sexy. Your familiar with Japanese foods and customs that a normal god fearing american would never know about. Your nights are typically filled with the sounds of grinding sound of metal on metal giant mecha action peppered with the occasional high pitched pleas of a japanese voice actor who knows her character will likely be
savagely penetrated by purple tentacles seen naked for extended periods. You rightfully so have no shame in admitting that you would do terrible things to have your hypothetical future girlfriend wear a sailor girl school uniform.
Your in a relationship thats failing and your able to prevent it from falling apart one episode of Vanilla Ice goes Amish at a time. She wont act on the fact that she long ago lost interest in you mentally and was never interested in you sexually as long as she’s distracted with Brandi and Jarrod arguing over the value of a bizarre find in Storage Wars. Reality tv is a warm blanket of mindlessness that can keep you from ever really dealing with your problems, just hope the internet connection never goes out, or maybe she’ll start thinking and feeling again and you’ll have to go back to sleeping beside those anime body pillows again.