For me the Queen’s Blade series is the yardstick by which all cheesecake anime series should be measured. The fanservice is relentless. The four different series that make up the Queen’s Blade collection feature more bare chested action and screams of agony than WrestleMania I – V combined. If you haven’t seen this series first make sure the cold water in your shower works and then check out the review of the first volume of “Kweensu-bladu” before diving into spoiler land below. If you just came for the jubblies, then you are in the right place.
1. Melona choking out Leina till she wets herself and blacks out.
They waste absolutely no time diving into the WTFuckery. The weird factor of the series was dialed back as the series goes on but its alive and well here in the first few episodes.
2. Risty’s version of handcuffs.
As with any captured fugitive you have to tie them up to make sure they don’t escape. While a simple rope handcuff knot would have been perfectly appropriate to restrain Leina, Risty, in true Queen’s Blade style instead opts to tie her up in a full on bondage-style Karada rope dress to march her home to her family.
3. Melona’s “special” attack.
As if I needed another reason to fear women after seeing the fanged vagina from Wicked City, now I have to add breasts that can melt you with their acid breast milk to the list.
4. Melona’s exploding tits.
I wonder if the animators (who also have done numerous Hentai titles) were reading the script and after a career of drawing tentacle rape and monster sex thought exploding breasts wasn’t all that unusual.
5. Echinda and Leina’s oil wrestling match.
Queen’s Blade is if nothing else
sleazy thorough, they leave absolutely no pervy stone unturned. Instead of Leina’s first real battle being a gladiator style match in the indoor colosseum, they have her participate in barely clothed oil wrestling match.
6. Setra in general.
I suppose this could be considered Setra’s version of a handshake. What better way is there to get to know a stranger than to put you tongue on their most intimate parts?
7. Every scene Nowa is in.
I understand that the whole Loli thing is ingrained in Japanese culture and the child looking characters in this series are explained away as older then they look because they are some exotic race like Elves or Dwarves but every scene with Nowa and her Loli castmates has me looking outside my windows for Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator film crew.
8. The spilled “holy milk”.
Somewhere in Japan in 2008 a young artist had to come home and when asked by his family what he did that day he had to com up with something other the truth; that he spent the day carefully drawing
semen holy milk on the faces and breasts of little girls. Hilariously this is a gag they go back to more than a few times through out the series with escalating enthusiasm.
9. Cattleya in general.
I’m sure there is a very scientific name for her condition but the term I’d use is DAYM GIRL! The shark must be exhausted, he’s been jump constantly since episode one and he’s sailing extra high here in episode 9.
10. The sap armor.
Nothing weird here. Just a Sensei and her pupil getting ready for battle. Queen’s Blade’s ability to pervert even the simplest of moments continues to
turn me on impress me with every episode.
11. Wildly inappropriate battle attire.
This series features more g-strings than a Guitar Center stock room. 75% of the cast don’t have pants on for a single frame of the series and as much as I’d like to say its because the animation studio wanted to save some money not drawing details, I doubt thats the reason.
12. Sisterly love.
Another gag they go back to more often then you go to Barnes and Noble looking for another book to
distract you from truly realizing how unhappy you are read. Read about the Izanagi and Izanami if your wondering why you see so much incest in anime. Either that or its hot watch sisters motorboat each other.
13. Master Funikura “motivating” Nyx.
The great kung-fu masters have all had their own unique ways of motivating pupils, Mr. Miyagi used bite sized poetic sentiments and unorthodox training, Master Splinter used a Father’s love but Master Funikura’s approach was a bit more, well, “hands-on”. Apparently, nothing motivates a young lady quite like a giant purple tentacle violently plunging in and out of her mouth. Yes this is the most tame screenshot I could find of them.
14. End credit jiggle physics.
At the end of select episodes there are different credit sequences featuring the three baddie babes, Melona, Menace and Airi. It took a team of animators and colorists hours to render the glorious mammary jiggle of the end sequence. Time well spent. This would be more effective as a gif. Just imagine a jello mold on an airplane, during turbulence.
15. Nanael’s polkadot panties.
Of all the gags that deserve a tally, the Nanael panty flash would be the clear winner. I lost count after 10. Its in every scene she’s in. I’ve seen her underwear more than I’ve seen my own. I see it in rorschach tests at the psychologist. When I doodle when listening to someone on the phone, her panties are what my subconscious scribbles out. You will have these little blueish dots burned into your soul.
16. Queen Aldra’s…thing.
There are some really strange moments in Queen’s Blade but all of them get at least a little explanation. Aldra’s, accessory didn’t. I suppose it has its uses if your having sex with a Terminator.
17. Aldra’s “true self”.
She was one of the only normally proportioned characters in the series that wasn’t in the Loli club so its especially funny to see her morph into her “true form” in the final episode. In true Queen’s Blade fashion, her true form just so happens to have F cup breasts an a perfectly angled figure.
18. The opening of the Beautiful Warriors OVA.
Believe it or not they actually did show some restraint in the first two series since they were television shows. The OVA’s, however, found a way to do the impossible, ratchet up the perversion level and still keep it a tentacle penetration scene away from being classified as Hentai.
19. Titty snake bite.
Yes, they brought this gag back back from The Exiled Virgin and its still just as upsetting to see as before. Sadly, that medieval snake has gotten infinitely more action than mine has in years.
20. The tickling hands.
I don’t remember my childhood tickle torture sessions involving underwear being pulled down but maybe thats all sessions at the psychologist talking.
21. Captain Liliana’s Starfish pasties
I guess starfishes are fitting pasties for a pirate. Check out the echinoderms in all their glory in the first episode of Queen’s Blade Rebellion.
22. Luna Luna’s thing.
Just like Aldra’s, Luna Luna’s downstairs accessory go completely unexplained. I do love that its an elephant and if she insisted on wearing it out on a date I totally would be cool with it cuz
Luna Luna is hot I’m understanding of cultures other than mine.
23. Rapey squid tentacles.
I guess the appeal of getting underneath the panties is universal, every creature wants in, apparently even squid. The shark keeps jumping.
24. “Holy poses”.
Yeah, as much as I want to believe this is what a Nuns life looks like behind the scenes, I very much doubt they are that flexible or have undergarments that
25. Torture by nipple electrocution.
After what seems like an eternity enturing the sexual hell of 4 entire series of Queen’s Blade, the graphic torture of a girl by electrocution to the genitals seems as tame watching a group of children play in the pool on a warm summer’s day.